Tonight I could use a drink, a cigarette, and lots and lots of sex. Why? Because my 7-month-old is Teething. TEETHING with a capital T (and why not all caps too) because there’s snot, there’s screaming, there’s inconsolable bursts of frustration, and there’s I’ve-tried-everything-but-nothing-works.
Actually, totally kidding. No sex. Because, besides being completely at a loss for what to do about my suffering babes, I have a problem: my boobs are on totally different life paths. One is having a mid-life crisis and is suffering from depression and flat-tire syndrome; and the other is at the peek of her youth and wants to audition for the remake of Baywatch. And then there’s little ole me watching it all happen. It’s like this: How can I feel sexy when I look down and they’re arguing?!
Let’s put it this way, I had to stuff two sets of bra paddings on the left side so it would remotely mimic the size of the right. It’s become such a problem that I decided to call La Leche Legue to get advice from a professional.
“Hi, Tanya? I got your # from the answering system at La Leche League.”
“Yes, how can I help you?”
“My right boob is bigger than my left boob.” (Only situation in which this doesn’t sound like a sentence on a sex-line.)
“I see. How long has this been going on?”
“Two weeks. She just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I tried to tell her not to hoard all the milk to herself and to share with her sister, but she’s stubborn and it’s making me self conscious.”
(After a small chuckle on her part) “I understand dear, these things can be upsetting. Have you tried pumping the bigger side to empty her out?”
“I thought if you pump it creates more demand for milk on that side so it would only make that boob bigger…”
“Yes. That’s true. You should still pump it to get the milk out.”
“Um, but won’t that just keep making my right boob bigger and my left one smaller?”
“Yes. But you don’t want that right boob to get engorged.”
“I’m not at that point yet. It’s just visibly uncomfortable to see my breasts look so uneven.”
“Yes, I understand. Why don’t you add some padding to the left breast?”
(This is where I start to get slightly irritated with “the professional”)
“I want to solve this problem. I want my left boob to grow plump and pretty like my right one.”
“It’s not gonna happen…” I laugh out loud at her bold reply) “what’s most likely going to happen is that the right one will eventually flatten out too and then you’ll have two saggy boobs.” (We both laugh) “and then you’ll have another baby – are you planning on having another?” (I reply yes) “…and then you’ll have two plump boobs again.”
“Oh great. So that’s it? There’s no hope?”
“You know, if it’s of any consolation, there are cultures in which women only feed from one breast. And, Cancer patients who have lost a breast only feed their children from one side.” (Awesome. Guilt trip me into living with this completely insignificant problem compared to breast cancer) “and, in nature, nothing is even honey. It’s natural to be a little lopsided.”
“I know! But why?! As if it’s not bad enough that our bodies get all messed up after pregnancy and birth, why do we also have to have uneven boobs?!”
“At least be happy you can breastfeed.”
Moral of the story: always look on the bright side. And, in other news, I tried on a bikini today, and yeah, the perky boob looks great, so I’ll be carrying my daughter around on my left side…for the rest of the Summer.
On the bright side? At least I have a prop to cover my imperfection. But, did I mention that she’s teething right now?